After the last night’s mess, I feel lethargic, couldnt get up.

Went to a site with beheaded heads? Or how do you call it. Woke up seeing more heads.

Xiao wu.

‘Princess, lets get you home. Its late.’

You know I am never one, my title doesnt have that word too. Thanks for coming to get me home.

‘ Its my duty. And you have always been a princess to me, even though you push away all services.’

Do I really deserve this.

‘Lets go home princess. You have to head to Shuanglin tomorrow. Official trip.’

Will you be in tomorrow?

‘No princess. The 5 generals will escort you.’

‘And princess, there wasnt a last chance. You know it. Your real younger brother will know the lingo. He might not be the one at all. Ok princess?’

Negotiation

Can you wait till May?

How about Sat? I feel so good with beef.

………….

I did it again.

I gave in to the dark side.

Which, after this time, I dont think we will cross each other’s life anymore. We crossed each other’s life.

Quite a short term actually. But ok, we met. He still have his own (so called) gang and I still have the same old gang.

Nothing changes.

A week with Peony

Tired like hell.

HZ suspected something last night. Just because the flowers are only avaliable in the palace grounds. Plus we had no trouble going in and out of different cities.

I lied that the 印章 can be done anywhere, which is almost true, except that nobody will dare to do that pattern. Technically, half a lie.

Peony is still Peony, although she grumbled that we should have more soldiers following closely since I am in girl clothes.

I think she prefers me to be in man’s clothes. Safer that way.

Yes

I ran away AGAIN. This should be the 4354875th time.

They put in some kinda of special energy so that i can wake up normally and take the bus. I nodded off the sleep on the bus like a log, while they go and look for my soul.

The group of 10 close friends were tasked this time although they seem to know that i have been throwing tantrum and didnt wait for the task but was already on the way to look for my soul.

They found me sitting calmly at one of the tea shop houses where i was alone. Whats new. Where got people being soldiers along while escaping. They were calm too, well, after uncountable times. the only way to solve the issue to be calm.

They said its time to go back. And i said can you kick me back. I am too lazy to walk.

They did. Thank god its the personal friends. I dont think anyone will dare to kick me back. Hahahaha!!!

So they will be looking out for me for some time, since its about the SAME OLD PROBLEM that i am declaring i need my freedom. As for other stuff that they demanded of me, i am trying to work out a schedule. BUT. GIVE ME TIME. There are more than a hundred that i need to change my schedule with.

Overheard

The palace that has the bestest scenary, bestest food. And yet it couldnt keep her. Let alone an office. Out of her 7 days duty, shes nowhere to be found for 5 days. Its not about convinence or food that keeps her. I othink she needs freedom.

***

I never like the palace in the first place. Too many rules to be obeyed. No no no. I would stay awhile but eventually it will drive me crazy.

They said no. I said yes. I am moving out. If she will lose her life, shouldnt they do something about it? Why con me. Ok half con. N if I will lose my life, so do I spend the rest of my lifetime caged.

I can see their exsperated faces. Reminds me of wukong. I am not even doing bad things. Dont always call me P. If i am the P, shouldnt something be done!? P my ass la P. So angry.

Guard on duty today

“Hi, you need to sleep soon. Thanks.’

He’s funny.

So many guards who change shift so often that i wonder how they keep track of the time and the schedule and i have no idea anymore of who i am seeing. While my personal guards arent with me, although people often they think are.

Heartburn.

I know my limit is up when i had very bad heartburn today. And then now i couldnt sleep at all. Each time the workplace comes to my mind, my eye opens.

I cannot stand it anymore. All the shouting, criticisms, banging the keyboard, banging the phone, non stop mumbling, asking me to keep quiet when i mumble and said i am being very irritating but she does it ALL day, saying people is a failure, saying that my mother in law and husband will hate me if i dont clean up the sink.

In the first place, why is he even my husband if he hate me so much? I am not a maid. Besides, he has hands to clean it. Its not right for him to clean up after me, in the first place, is she so sure that he is so perfect? DUH. And to think that at work, she shoot me down personally, involving friends, saying that if its Z, he will not be like me. And i told her Z values freedom much more than me, because he’s the darker shadow.

Then she arrowed in and said theres something wrong with me because all my ex left me. WHAT THE FUCK?! Is there even a need to go into personal stuff?! ITS MY FUCKING LIFE. I dont even feel encouraged.

And i hate the roti prata, 5 mins, she wants this, 5 mins later, she said i am doing it all wrong. When we ask questions to double check, its wrong. When we dont ask, its wrong. When we update her stuff, its wrong, when we dont update her at all, she blasts into the phone and cried that we didnt bother to inform her and nobody treats her as the boss at all.

When i didnt tell her, she said i didnt bother to tell her. When i tell her, she said she has so many things in her mind that she has no time to care. When i try to explain things, she said i am super ‘bu gan yuan’. WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK SHE WANTS. I AM SO BLOODY PISSED OFF. HOW TO WORK LIKE THAT.

MYGOD. I havent work with such boss for a long time. And the things she insisted on doing it, eventually become my fault. I do, kena fucked. Din do also kena fucked. Everything also become my fault. On a better side, i seem to let go of the past childhood trauma where i was blamed for everything, although i am pretty sure that i will leave quietly, like the last time.

Very irresponsible of me. I just couldnt face her anymore. Everything i did is a failure, is wrong. And i dont even feel enouraged. Everything is just wrong. As for me now, i probably have let go of what you think of me. I dont really care much like when i was younger. Probably 3 or 4 years ago. If you think i am a failure just because i am not you, go ahead.

I am not into re-shaping people or i try not to do it at all. Closer friends do remind me at times not to fix people, but i feel that as i stay longer with her, i tend to want to fix people according to what i think is right, just like her. Well, i dont want to be her, i want to be myself. I am not into the perfectionist thing, to me, there are no perfectionist.

She’s trying her best to control everything, and that includes me. I hate being controlled, being micro managed, its driving me crazy and it makes me so distracted. And the more i just want to leave office. Why cant she just leave me alone to do my things.

Really need to rant. And of course a solution. I am going to not survive since i cant sleep at all. And the heartburn plus gastric is game strong. I am sure she cant tolerate me just like i cant tolerate her. And i cant stand people who say I AM THE BOSS. Yes shes the boss, but blasting people off, roti prata, that’s a discount on it.

What i really need is freedom and stop controlling me, its not so much on saving money for me. I can always just eat bread and save money. Between freedom and money, i will choose freedom. If not, kill me instead. I cannot take it being caged up.

***

I feel that after i promised Jade to help, but in my own way, not her way. Or she can find someone who can tahan all her criticism, probably her own type. Then its even better. To her probably is that person will work hard not to be called a failure, but for me, you want to call me a failure? Go ahead. I am not living by your terms. If not doing what you want is a failure, its fine. I am not living for you.

I AM SO BLOODY PISSED THAT I CANT SLEEP.

***

Oh ya, i cant wear perfume now too. And just because shes the boss, people cant get angry with her, only she can be angry, because she’s the boss. Seriously such people… clouded that they are the boss. Yes they pay the staff, still, dont use personal stuff on me. Its crossing the line.

And i need my alone time. Which part is wrong? I am not a workaholic, i dont wake up and talk about work. I wont be able to return what she wants or what she expected of me. Otherwise, she might say i am taking her for granted.

Bottomline, go left, wrong. Go right, wrong. Go center, wrong. Go wherever, WRONG. ALL WRONG. Blasts the phone and then cry.

She’s not the only one who is stressed. She has nobody to talk to, that i understand. Completely. Just like i have nobody to talk to about things, about what i cant say. Can i even randomly call people and blast at them?

***

Its amusing how all the female bosses condemn each other. Its always everyone else is wrong but them.

***

Right now, i am just afraid i will leave quietly. They think their puja is strong? It might not even work this time, because i am damm tmd frustrated. Not asking them to buck up, but not everything is controllable. If not, they can try to control the boss. Which they cant, because shes so stress that she’s shooting everyone off, especially the one in the office.

Ok my stomach is doing somersaults. No amount of EO is going to help when i am stressed till cannot. Its odd that people just leave and not stay, or people dont even come after the interview. That really baffles me.

Just because i am easy going doesnt mean anyone need to fix me.

I AM SO ANGRY THAT I CANT SLEEP. How do i even  distract myself plus the heartburn. For one thing i am damm sure, i am not getting that mild depression a second time. After 6 – 7mths, its starting to surface again. I have to put a stop to it.

Problem is, how do i wake up at 5am so i will not be late?

She is still a traditionalist. That work long hours = hardworking. While some bosses – work long hours = inefficient.

***

Oh yeah, when there are projects, she niamed. No projects, also niamed. Got help, niamed. No help, niamed. Everything also niam. How to work. I am going crazy.

When i think aloud, i am being super irritaing. When she thinks aloud, its the only correct thing to do. I am starting to repeat myself. I am worried that i will start self abusing myself to forget about what she has said, although i am quite sure that i’ve let go of that trauma.

NEED TO CALM DOWN. AND TRY TO SLEEP.