Treating this space like twitter again

VERY GOOD. EVERYTHING HERE GOT WIPED OUT.

Was that considered as secrets? OKay…..

I realised whenever they have no confidence in bringing me home or when the puja is too strong… they would try all means to psycho me to go home………………

And they have been suggesting what i can do at home …………………. like cooking something good… BUT I AM SHORT OF ONIONS LEH. JAP ONIONS.

I dont know what is the difference of being involved in puja and on drugs…

My head is weighing down… and i am negotiating to head out… bullying the soldiers whenever wherever…… and hehehehe Max is not around. Ray realised i dont care about him anymore while i am more of O.O whenever he’s around.

***

Last night i had W and Ray. I think they came back because of JK and not because of other factors… W noticed my little actions and questioned me about it.. i think only very close people will notice. HENG.

And i dont think its unusual for people not to open up to nobody or to 1 person because… humans are complicated creatures to be opened up to.

Puja

Okay maybe they are worried that i will faint… because i do have a hard time controlling my limbs.. just in case the limbs become no strength and i would be helpless outside. The intermittent bodyache is bad… and the shifting gaze is bad.. ugh.

Thank god for my gift that ive been using it to navigate…

But if i hate home… means.. i have to eat salmon again????? Why am i grumbling about salmon… since this time they didnt restrict my diet to vegetables… IF MONDAY THEY RESTRICT MY DIET HOW AH.

DAMMIT i have nobody to talk to. Okay, at least i have no rashes this time. Or blood……………… I NEED TO CALM DOWN. Thank goodness i am ‘alone’ in office. Today the spirit is not here… OH i forgot! X is with me… she has been with me ever since puja started just in case i fall backwards.

Then, good bye J.

My doubts are confirmed.

Tibet has not ended. Thank the stars the moon i am not working for outside right now. The diarrhea is crazy. And i didnt eat much, its mostly water. Can you imagine i have diarrhea at a weird SAME timing everyday? No right. Neither can i.

And, i hardly rarely dream. But this puja has been making me dream all sort of weird stuff that i dont even remember. I dont remember dreams, i only remember work.

When is my diarrhea going to end. Its full blast today. What makes it worse is, medicine is not going to work, this is how strong the prayers are. I am always always amazed by the force behind it.

And how does it work when there is not much food in my intestines….

This is also why i wont be able to get a job so soon, when the kiddo asked, i dont even know how to tell him, although he’s just asking out of courtesy and not meaning it – i feel.

回向。

Confirm officially over, so much happier now. And lighter. I know i’ve been complaining non stop, but wait till any normal humans go through it, then you will experience the boss level of feeling all the negativeness that you might want to smash some walls. Not kidding.

Especially when you lose all strength in one of your hands. You cant even lift anything light. And you are handicapped for that day. Wowza.

The blue black on my knee is officially GONE. Hopefully, my own puja dont start so fast, or rather dont reach the peak so fast, i am not ready for another round of losing my brain again.

ANYWAYS. MY SMILES ARE BACK. And Xuan called me a goondu today. I am just too used to having soldiers lah. Anthony is also officially back to his working place. I dont think Jon was kidding when he said he will activate his household if he has to., just no Anthony, be it that he wants  to return favors or whatever.

And to me, it makes no difference whether he is around. Sad case.

 

回向。

There are moments where i want to punch my fists against the wall. This week was really bad. And i could tell no one.

First i felt like my energy was drained from 7 – 7.30pm. Then the rashes start at 830 – 930pm. And i try to sleep so i wouldnt scratch will it bleeds. WAH. Then i had the fucking gastric pain yesterday on the bus.

Between my own puja and xxx’s puja, i dont know what is my level of pain or level of tiredness anymore.

Anyway its supposed to end tomorrow. My blue black is half gone.. lighter, it left a quarter more to go… told the aunt that nowadays my blue blacks are really the progress of the puja, to let me know how bad it is so i should stay home or head out.

And my mood is so bad that i just want to be alone, knowing me, i will unleash on someone.

IS IT GOING TO BE OVER YET. HURRY UP SUNDAY.

I have things to ask the master, my freaking fucking job. I feel that i can leave, but, there’s a clause that i cant figure, i cant see, i cant even reach it. But by next year, i should change job liao…. right?

Right now, i have no idea how to settle the fixed assets list.

CAN I HAVE MY LIFE BACK, with minimal puja because my brain my emotions my everything was taken away, was blocked. I felt so zombied. At least i dont lost people now in dreams.

Happy again.

I think the puja has really ended on my side. Or rather the 回响。

A slice of my blue black is out of the circle and my fingers and palm finally is not peeling anymore. And I am not feeling as shitty anymore. Lighter heart too.

Or maybe the gathering with fifteen last night plays a part too.

 

Puja rant part 2

WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND MY SKIN IS PEELING LIKE MAD.

I am losing skin again. First i lost my brain and needed the soldiers to bring me home, then i bleed, next my blue black expanded like nobody business and became even darker, AND NOW I AM PEELING.

Its very distracting because i could feel it.

Oh last night i had the same nightmare again, losing someone. This time i lose the kiddo in a short span of 30mins before a force pushed me out of the scene. Found myself wandering around the streets after i was out of the trapped place, feeling dejected, sad and all of the above sad vocabulary, somehow thankful its just a nightmare and not real, though at that point of time, i was wondering if i really lose him in real life, how would i really feel. Will i go berserk. Okay thats abit too far. Yue lao might just smack me.

Last night, after an incident happened, i slept very early. Extremely early. It was as if i kena hit by a hard blow and KO-ed. Imagine you were feeling okay and suddenly you know you have to sleep if not you will faint there and then. Went away for about 5 hours i think, to collect things and dropping things off. In a way, it probably distract me a little. It was after work that i got the nightmare.

AND WE WERE IN THAILAND. JUST KILL ME. But we were in bangkok. Not the northern part. Its really… why am i always stuck in asian countries. Nearer is it? LOL. Whoever it is, who saved me. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

It seems that the best distraction right now is really work at the other side – its the most stressful job because i could lose my life anytime, if its not for the last minute saving-me at the last second. Then i will probably wake up feeling scared and worried and relieved that i am back and not think about him at all. Its scary how intense the work is. Although it looks like its just passing things HAHAHAHAHA!!!

That’s how 美妙 it is!!

One after another.

The pain on the left side.

Couldnt walk. Couldnt bend. Went for an ultra slow 2hrs swim with Yao till my legs are jelly.

Gastric came. Rashes came. Blood flowing again.

Blue black appeared too.

If this happens to other girls, i think they would be screaming in pain – not i say de.

I dont think anyone will understand at all.