Slept some finally.

Ray was around earlier.

At 5am i was alone.

I am touched that no matter what happens, i am still their sister. Even if we fought like the worse enemies, they would remind other brothers to see that i eat my meals. Haha.

I dont remember that there’s any time of ‘you are making me closing up on you’ – is that a blaming game? Its like you cant handle the situation & need to put the blame on another.

Or thats the difference between humans & cultivated beings?

‘药师佛是让你身心先健康起来，然后谈修行。包括一心想要消业障，一心想要开悟，这些人都是身心有问题的。他耐不住修行的漫长，就想着用快餐。把世俗的要快要好的习气通通带进来，然后磕头也很认真，拜忏也认真。但人格上却不健全。因为他觉得自己生命中缺少一样东西，比如孩子，比如金钱，比如婚姻不顺，比如事业不顺，他就想通过这个修行的方式来弥补缺欠。这也是错误的。你觉得有缺欠，你的人格上就不健全。’

***

OMG. I just realised something. He used shortcuts for both meditation and cultivation.. plus… advance ‘cash’……. omg. Okay… i guess he has to go through his consequences no matter how much he avoid reality…

FOUND IT!!

‘大家要修行，要出家，千万不要带着破碎的心去，婚姻不顺，事业失败，心理很破碎，然后跑去出家。你要带着一个很圆满的心来修行。你心很破碎，你修行就有问题。修行的第一步，先要把心圆满了，你才说，我开始修行了。如果你的心真的很破碎，你就先修地藏经，先弥补你人格上的漏洞。’

That totally solve my thoughts. I couldn’t understand how did his cultivation journey turn into the dark path…

ONE DOWN. So many to go.

And also, how can meditation be closing up yourself on everything? I dont do mediation or cultivation but seriously, what he does it totally out of the correct syllabus. Just because they bring him money, and he believes in them???

And just because the right path doesn’t bring him money but lessons and he went berserk and said they lied? HUH? Wtf. And yes, he rather go back to the dark path because its a life of relaxation / enjoy life.

I dont know what to make out of it. And of course i am not a master, so i have no status to guide him? Since i have no concrete plan.

BUT SERIOUSLY. This is the epic stubborn and rigid.

The friends always say ‘why bother to pull people back when they want to jump into the black hole.’ – the other agents wouldnt bother because why waste time. I wonder how i survived in that group since i am totally different from them, although they put me on auto-renewal.

And him going into the dark hole… he blamed it on others.

How can i not go berserk. Right? OMG MAN. Okay, Friday it is, since they say i would get it tomorrow.

There are so many things i cant talk to people about.

Its so scary when they make it happen for me, when i am 100% confident that i want it.

And…

It seems that i am starting to know why i will go to Tibet eventually and leave this world behind… i dont think its disappointment… more of the answers are there. Going there means accepting responsibility?

Had a quick convo with one of the advisors today… that… i would rather accept my responsibility than having a child. HAHAHAHHAHAHA! He didnt laugh… having a child is much easier than taking the responsibility.

I wondered if i took it up when i was 30.. where would i be now… i dont think i miss out any good stuff if i was away. And yet i dont have enough determination to leave now.

I need a really good sleep. Looking forward to end of 7th month so i wouldnt be so stressed.

Earlier when the bus passed by the park, i almost got a ‘heart attack’. Seriously… why am i suddenly so sensitive to the morning energies…

IT REALLY SUCK WHEN I AM ALONE HERE with nobody who will understand what i am talking.

Alcohol didnt make me sleep as usual. That was just a wishful thinking. Since when does alcohol work in all these years?

***

Its scary when Max starts to be wary of his ‘twin’. Am i not supposed to keep this ship.. And right from the beginning.. I was just a tool? Okay tool.is too harsh. I am just a person whose supposed to pull him out of the dark path? But i think i am going to drop this case – although everyone say ‘you go.’ I dont think i have that kind of inner strength.

He always ask me whether he’s my toughest case. I wouldnt say so. Every human has their own difficulty. Its probably something to make me learn at the same time. This case i cant fanthom.

If i go back to the temple. . . it would be 2nd time of me giving up. Or rather i was given a choice to go. But if i ask for answers… Thats like human realm of cheating lol! ‘study for that chapter’ only.

While the one with Jade is a must go after i didnt get to do it last week. I know his conditions.. Since its a big favor.. He would want something of equal amount.

Then maybe… HE will ask did i just do another business transaction..

That favor is almost priceless.. I dont think i will go through such stress for anyone else. Yet he thinks its just a touch and go thing. I know i did say ‘i am game’, i am not regretting but the emotions i have to go through is …. Something i hate.

Such is life. So friends said if i need a listening ear, they are a phone call away.. But i dont think anyone will understand. Its challenges outta this world..and down to the details.

***

I have also been neglecting issues. Told the teachers whether i could be lazy for awhile like the humans.. Its a wishful thinking too.. Isnt it..

Then again, its still do or die. Thats what my entire life is about.

Looked like last night’s post is not allowed to post.

Roll eyes.

前世曾經修行過的特徵— 您曾經是修行者嗎?

Stumbled upon this article while talking to Max. I dont know how true / untrue it is, but its intestesting: (although i think some people might say its bull)

前世修行過的人，今生來到世上會有如下那樣般的特質，看看你擁有幾許與眾不同處？希望你再接再厲！

一、為人處事
◎絕對守法、守信、守時，臨危不亂、不畏強權，果斷力強。
◎責任心重、盡力扮演好每個角色、力求心安理得。
◎有禮貌、一視同仁、很公平、有分寸。
◎理性但不迷信，有錯一定認錯，堅持活在當下。
◎做事不僵化，不藏私，樂於將自己所會的教導別人。
◎不冷漠，樂於犧牲奉獻，寧傷自己也不害人。
◎不擺派頭、不會大小眼，常為他人著想、人緣好。
◎不以貌取人，而是從對方的小動作、小細節去衡量人。

二、個性
◎擇善固執、獨立、主見強，帶點傲氣、不服輸，但尊重多數人的決定。
◎完美主義者，如果能做得更好一定再做一次。
◎不貪心、看錢不重，可能不善於管理自己的錢財，但對於公家的錢財分毫必清。
◎早熟懂事，凡事盡量不麻煩別人，卻願意幫助別人。
◎不輕言放棄，某些觀點也許悲觀，卻會積極面對人生。

三、情感與人際
◎與家人情緣較薄，價值觀和一般人不太一樣，較易化小愛為大愛。
◎年歲即便老了，心態卻不一定老，心境像孩子一樣單純，笑聲爽朗熱情，是個天真可愛的人。
◎知道如何排解自己的情緒，會放空也會充電。
◎不害怕死亡，也不怕再轉世為人，如果可以，還是選擇為人群服務。
◎在人群中常是注目的焦點，內心卻總覺得不屬於人群。豔冠群芳，孤獨。
◎對自我期許高，做心目中的自己，不做別人眼中的我。

四、其它
◎常常想背起行囊隨意去流浪，到遙遠不知名的地方。
◎對一切充滿好奇與學習心，盡可能把握時間充實自己，學習能力強，組織、分析、歸納能力好。
◎非常注意自己身體的健康狀況，隨時做好死亡準備。
◎第六感的直覺判斷力很強。
◎藝術的眼光不錯，有美感，懂得欣賞，唯美主義，浪漫感性

Going through the thing with JK makes me appreciate Max extra alot. The kind of unconditional support he gave, the kind of ways he tried to make me understand things or the uncountable times he pulled me back to the correct path makes me realised he went through alot of reincarnation, or rather, cultivated being, that he’s able to do alot of things that humans cant.

I would say its wrong for me to expect JK to have Max’s character. Or even KP to have W’s character. Since all brothers are cultivated beings while humans are just humans.

1h 45mins

Better than nothing isnt it.

(1.16 / 3 / 4.16am)

The dreams / places i went is so much that the only thing i remembered were the hornets. And driving the damm huge car.

So damm tired. Back to the old days, almost, if this continues.

It happened.

If i didnt call for help… I probably wouldnt be home tonight… I would probably really be hanging out with the dark force.

Saved by Max… Who didnt want me to go through that.. If the whole paragraph is out.. Max is going to be damm busy. This reminds me of the other 3 brothers stepping in whenever Max & i had a major quarrel.

Do i really deserve Max’s unconditional love? – he will probably smack me later that i feel undeserving.

Him saving me in the nick of time…