The transition picture

The chart shows how much i have on my plate right now.

The soldiers didnt allow me to show it to my friends, he did warn me that it will be very very messy. And things will not be better. Told him to let me go through it. Sooner or later, we have to say byebye. So let me go through it, i insisted.

He was very annoyed that i insisted on believing in my friends. I just had to test it out.

After i send it to them… it wasnt a question of why is it blur, previously i did mentioned i cant share anything. The reply was ok, so its blur, we arent supposed to know anything lor.

I was taken aback. I looked at the soldier. The soldier gave me a weak smile. All these days, i tried so hard to give you guys an answer. And after all the effort, wow. And some others can tell me wah! / why like that! / how can we help you? / I know you cant say, but tell me if you need anything or if i can help etc

Then i thought, why am i fighting so hard to give you an answer? Whats the objective? All these while, it was all so judgmental. It might be a huge misunderstanding, thats a benefit of doubt. But perhaps its not good to talk about it right now, because whatever i say, both of u will jump up and dive into conclusions.

It will be the best if i m in coma for 3 days on my birthday. In coma but in the palace, or the garden also can. Or the pavillion also can. Or at the mountains also can, eating shredded vegetables. But of course that wouldnt happen.

Perhaps i will be alone on my bday heh. I am perfectly alright though. Yup. I will be. Cos there’s always therapy!!! If not therapy, i gonna catch up on some sleep.

Am i suay or what.

Cyn sent her younger bro over to me, asking him to visit me. And its a wrong timing.

Sand: Hey.

(All of us call him Sand. Not the beach – sand.)

Me: Wrong timing la.

Sand: Why.

Me: I am having a fever.

Sand: OH SHIT. Do you want to go home?

Me: You dont even have the pass. I dont either.

Sand: Oh!! They took it away?

Me: Ya. Which is why now i actually need a 24/7. But i am alone today la.

Sand: Is that why??

Me: Honestly i have no idea. Its pretty bad.

Sand: Well yes, considering you didnt even want to go get food.

Me: Every part of my body is burning. I can feel the heat coming out. I will tell your sister to send you home instead.

Sand: LOL!

(Yes, we are all humans.)

Ring

I have a ring attached to me. On my right hand.

I suspect its xxx.

Backlog

Ray: We have decided.

Me: Decide what.

Ray: Who to look after you.

Me: NOOOOOOO. Can i just be alone.

Ray: This person wont interfere.

Me: So he’s going to watch my every move again?

Ray: You need to stay safe. If anything happen to you during the transition. I dont know how to save you.

Me: But i wont die mah!

Ray: That’s because we have covered you with xxx else why do you think xxx funeral xxx.

Me: Yala i know la.

Ray: So will you die.

Me: Ya la. I know lah. Keeping myself safe la. I didnt even drink a single drop of my alcohol ok!!

Ray: Yes, please. 1 sip is ok. Not the whole cup please. You want to do anything after the transition is okay. Now no.

Me: Ok, so who is it this time.

Ray: Ad.

Me: NO WAY! We dont get along a all!!

Ray: Both of you can mind your own business. He’s only recording all the conversations.

Me: Isnt Mr B doing that already..

Ray: Mr B has other things to settle for you. Ad will do this.

Me: *sad face*

Ray: Give him some face okay. Know each other for so long liao, working under a same department, try not to fight ok.

Me: Yala. Eh where got same department!

Ray: Almost.

Me: Ok la.

Ray: You dont even accept others!

Me; Ya! I dont want a stranger to do recording and logging all my conversations! I dont need so many people to know me that way! And people who know me will not judge as much lor! I have my reasons for doing (alot of) things!

Ray: That i know. I’ve arranged. And everything follows as usual.

Me: No weird soldiers ok. 2 is ok. Outside.

Ray: Funerals wise 10.

Me: Ok. Can.

Standard-everyday question

On the first night when Jon was taking care of me, while Ray dropped by to check on me, because no more Richie. I think Richie has turned into a legend, somehow.

Me: 哥。。。

Jon: ?

Me: 我问你。。。

Jon: What do you want.

Me: 你还疼我吗？

Jon: What do you need.

Me: Tell me!

Jon: 当然！你要什么。。。。OH! Dont tell me. I know what you are referring to.

Jon: 哥哥。。 （referring to Ray) she’s trying to guilt trap me!

Ray: She already did it to me. To all of us.

Me: Really what!!

That’s why we are here for you! At our very best!

Me: Its not helping lor.

Ray: You need to wait. Please wait for the ripe time. And we are trying our best. And yue lao already show you the string. It is still there. Now you just need to enjoy life. Ok? And you are.

Me: No more Richie….. 😦

Ray: He’s good! Isnt he!

Me: Bestest human!

Ray: He stayed longer than he should you know? Its not about the money but if he still dont go back, his body wont be able to function. He needs to go.

Me: I know he needs to go. But. I just miss him.

Jon: Is he taking over us.

Ray: She doesnt like him in that way la. But Richie did really take care of her. Not give in to her every whims, but he’s sincere. So sincere that the naughtiest sister listens to him.

Jon: So can fight with Max la!

Ray: Eh. Different leh. We are xxx. Richie only see her less than 3 days and he proposed something.

Me: YA!! I was shocked!

Jon: Ok you go sleep. Time to go over. Talk non stop. How ah. You not thirsty ah.

Last week at the check-up was 69.6kg.

This week 68kg.

And i’ve been eating sugar.

 

So nice of them to send me a carriage over to send me over for some medicine.

And also to xxx, and to return some mails, and xxx.

There was a funeral today again, didnt notice until tpk (chulia street) pointed to me.

The other world always make me laugh

With their small notes.

Normally to tell me about things.

This time it says ‘Chirashi, no prawns. Transition.’

Am i really going there!

Thought of going alone though. Because after that i will be too full to eat anything.

If only i can stomach the chirashi bowl and he truffle beef bowl.

I knew this would happened……

JE dropped 2 guards off his carriage to visit me check if i’ve eaten anything for the day. I am much lazier when i am alone i think. Or rather i dont feel hungry, besides i ate alot yesterday, with Nicky, Richie and Wen at night. The pasta is really good though! Will go back again!

Oh i gotta say, the porridge at the other side IS SO GOOD. Its sweet and i dont know whats the thing they added in it, i ate 3 bowls last night. I think they are happy that i ate something. Or rather i asked for more. Not in the mood for noodles anymore.

So i thought they will leave after i told them i did eat, but NO, they stayed on. To watch me eat dinner, because i am always up to something and then will not eat. Dang.

And actually i am really curious whose reading my blog… the viewership went up so high suddenly? I’ve removed my blog address everywhere else ages ago. And the keyword search… made me burst out laughing. You guys are so funny….!

As for nyc… he’s really gone. Gone to find that idiot. I dont know why is it that he wants to fight with AT about. Its just so strange. Its still a mystery to me, between me and nyc, and the things we see. I always think, what if he’s 50.

Not blogging for a week made me feel so… like a detox. I supposed next week is not as happening, since i am allowed to blog now and no more mental block. But mental block exist whenever i attempt to type anything about what happened last week, even to my aunt. Sounds like FBI.

Looking forward more to showers now. Hahahahaha. Shit man, i do have friends who really knows me. People who knows me know that i bathe lightning fast, cant wait to get out of the bathroom that kind. Ok that, details in instagram. Because, pictures speak a thousand words.

3x: Can you switch on some music? Something soft on the ears? Nothing sad please. No Chinese songs. What?! You didnt update your list at all?! Ok, Nicholas Jaar today. I am sad enough, i dont need extra sad songs in your ears, because i will hear it too.

Sometimes we converse like that, where i am completely silent, and he takes the lead.

Only 1 person can do it like that, out of the whole world. I always tell him if i have a husband like that – well, its impossible. And then he said there is – the one who went away. I dont really understand the fate part – if only he will communicate, otherwise, someone please explain the unexplainable stuff if it did really happen to him.

I am holding on because of the unexplainable stuff. A bond for at least 3 years, really? I mean, like that? Wow, the mistake i did 10yrs ago must have made an impact in my life.

***

Some updates:

1) The doctor was with me the whole of last night.

2) Xuan is worrying about me, because i showed her that my jeans are just waiting to drop – so actually she will come back sooner than 9 Apr, and of course to settle that in the weekends – That is way more crucial.

3) No communication with nyc for at least 1 month until my condition is stable –  i think? No more birkin jokes.

4) And the rest i cant say.

5) I cant imagine. That’s all i can say actually. What goes beyond that fullstop is more. My life has always been too happening. I wonder which husband is game enough to sit the rollercoaster ride with me, it’s fun – because it will never be like a normal life which you always have. That’s what i will offer to him since people are always asking me what do i have to offer for the guy.